The Official Fyre Guide to Business
At a time when our world seems particularly divided, fraught with aggression and conflict, we take comfort in the fact that we have been brought together by one commonly held belief: this year’s inaugural Fyre Festival was a complete and utter runway success. Inspired by the unparalleled acumen and mind-blowing achievements of the co-founders, a 25-year-old and Ja Rule, we compiled pro tips on how to run a business and host events that are the total opposite of a dumpster fire (fyre!) in President Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Dungeon for Not Nice People. Pay close attention, entreprelennials—this is your roadmap.
Use some form of the word “disrupt” at least thrice daily (only counts if written).
Engage strategic partners to elevate your brand and build consumer awareness. Underwear models are the most strategic.
If you have promised new luxury accommodations to clients, there is no need to hire a construction company. Say “Tesla Model S” out loud four times at midnight and clap your hands—this will summon the helper gnomes, who will build an infinite amount of bungalows complete with swim-up bars, chakra-balancing chambers, and three-person showers.
If you’re too busy with yachts to summon the helper gnomes in a timely fashion, remember: glamping is for the enlightened, but solid roofing and also reality are for the poors.
Current mood: ayahuasca trip.
Eleven Madison Park is maybe definitely including bread-and-cheese sandwiches on its current eleven-course retrospective menu, so that should be your catering go-to for any business function.
Cash and credit cards are very Middle America—the only acceptable form of payment is a #tbh.
Y is a much more baller letter than I, so replace the latter with the former at every available opportunity. This practice is innovative, disruptive, and confusing to zero people.
All Instas must be #straightfire (fyre!). Otherwise crawl back to the cave you came from.
Always ideate BEFORE you create (unless it’s Opposite Day, or if Vibes are telling you otherwise).
Eat failure for breakfast (except when you’re cleansing, which should be always) so that you can dine on success for dinner (except when you’re cleansing, which, again, should be always).